[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Terribly Tuesday.
I wish I were this cool 😂
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
hmm conte-me mais
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
🔦🌙👣
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!