I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
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Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them