Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Why font matters.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.