“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
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mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!