Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
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Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday