people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
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Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*