Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
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rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Every BBC series about the universe.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”