We have a winner.
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Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.