Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].