{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
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“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…