Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
You Might Also Like
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago