Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
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too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Just me?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.