Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
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getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
🙅🏻
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.