Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
You Might Also Like
(more comics:
Born to be mild.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M