The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
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To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Wednesday
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”