Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
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I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married