“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
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centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.