“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm