Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
me irl
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.