HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”