I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
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If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I need this for my side hustle.