see you in hell you stupid fruit
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Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
God has left this place
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀