Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
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Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”