Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you鈥檙e diabetic he doesn鈥檛 care
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn鈥檛 work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
wdym i don鈥檛 know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you鈥檝e ever seen
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it鈥檚 a flyer
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 馃え
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 馃幎 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 馃幎
Welcome to your 40s: you鈥檙e not hungover you鈥檙e just awake.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That鈥檚 cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma鈥檃m please return to your table
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn鈥檛 waving at me
so now I鈥檓 gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.