Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
🙂🙃🥹
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”