There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”