Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
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OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed