[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
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I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?