To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
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i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks