I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history