[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
You Might Also Like
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.