colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
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Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.