It do be feeling this way.
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8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
kevin is now a local weatherman
couldn’t resist
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]