Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
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My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Tell me you get it…馃ぃ
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that鈥檚 been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Cleaned out my kid鈥檚 backpack and found everything I鈥檝e been missing since 1990
Men鈥檚 underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I鈥檓 only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
馃憖
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Lmao the reply
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.