Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
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*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.