…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
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Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
🙋♀️
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
selena gomez
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again