*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.