I don’t think my car can fly
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED