[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.