Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
It do be feeling this way.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.