Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
You Might Also Like
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
🤔😂😂
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook