suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.