The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
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I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
the clam before the storm
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER