[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
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I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father