ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
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Well. That’s not a good sign.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART