Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
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I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.