astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
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Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*