“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
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My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”