Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!