If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
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The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣